I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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