you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
