WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
