Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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