Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
