roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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