My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
