I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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