I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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