foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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