3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
