if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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