NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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