Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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