Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize