I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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