whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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