Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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