you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There are leaves in my underwear?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
