i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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