UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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