I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
