it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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