The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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