just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
