my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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