there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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