i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
