I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
