I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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