well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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