I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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