You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
