I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
