Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
