I never want to see another naked old woman again.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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