Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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