Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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