i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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