Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
