My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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