the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
