I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize