One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize