I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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