pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize