This house was built for laser tag.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
