She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
