i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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