Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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