Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
