Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
