I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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