you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
