Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
