Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize