I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize