i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
