sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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