Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
