You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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