cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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