I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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