headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
