if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
