i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
