Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
