I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
