On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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